One of my great fears was the fear of change, especially having a disability of blindness.
My drive for independence was getting stronger each day. Therefore, I started looking for an apartment that would support my life and allow me to grow independently.
My oldest son, had already chosen to move out, and moved up to Canada to stay with a relative.
When he chose to leave, it tore me up inside and left a huge, empty hole in my gut. Not only did I fail him, I could not be the dad that he needed due to my alcoholism and my blindness.
It was not too long before he was without direction up there and became homeless.
This was, yet another position of powerlessness that I had to face that was painful.
I know that God was watching over him, because God provided a family in Canada that turned around the dysfunctional chaos and gave him a foundation that I could not give him at the time.
I am so grateful to the “England family,” for being there for him when I could not. But, first and foremost, I am grateful to God, for saving him, and protecting him, as he allowed him to endure what he went through, I believe, to help make him the strong man that he is today.
My son married the daughter-in-law of our dreams. They have provided us with three wonderful grandsons, who are becoming good, young men of which he can be proud.
I look up to him, as he is an honest, upright man, who is living the model of what a father should be for their children.
He is also so talented, in so many ways, even to the point of teaching others.
Then there was my youngest son with Ann. He was born a year after we moved to Walworth, in 1983. I left when he was ten years old. He had never seen me sighted, as he was born after I went blind, but he was my “Saving Grace”, amidst the turmoil that was going on between Ann and myself.
He was my “Best buddy”. As often as we could, we played together, watched TV together, and he even walked me down to our little town, to get things at the hardware.
Then we would stop at our special spot, to sit on the old carriage step from the “eighteen hundreds” and talk about what it must have been like in the old days.
God had blessed me with his upbringing, as we were so connected. We were so busy together, that it kept me out of myself, far from self-pity in my blindness.
His upbringing was before my prosthesis, with my “monster eyes.” However, he never seemed to mind.
We just had tons of fun together, and God used him to help save my life.
In the next town south of us, there was an apartment complex that was right on the bus route that would take me to work and back, called King's Court.
The major grocery stores were too far away to walk, but on the next block was a little store that had everything I would need for my groceries.
Across from the little store was a bank, and a restaurant.
This town is the only place in the world that has a church on each corner of the main four-way intersection. In one of them, there just happened to be an AA meeting on Sunday evenings.
I called the King Court’s manager, time after time, over many months, to see if there were any apartments for rent. She said, "Yes there is," each time I called her.
I kept backing out, because of all my fears.
I once had Bob and Steve, ready to come over to make the move, but they were not happy when I backed out, as they had already changed their plans to accommodate me.
My fears kicked in so strongly, especially leaving my “best buddy”. I felt that I had no choice, as I did not want to show him this relationship, to be an example of how he should live his life.
For I felt, if I stayed in it, it would be showing him that I was accepting, unacceptable behavior, in a very unhealthy relationship.
So, then came the day that I called The King's court manager again. I told her that I would take the apartment.
I had one of my friends take me over to meet with her, to pay a security deposit, and rent, and to sign a lease. I called Bob and Steve with the trucks, and I gave them a date that they both agreed to.
The date came to move out, and it was for sure this time.
It turned out to be one of the hardest days of my life.
I had intense fear that again, was trying to keep me from doing this. I had a strong message inside of me, letting me know that this was the right thing to do.
Bob and Steve pulled into our driveway and backed their trucks up to our back door, then came in to load up.
Both friends had tight schedules, so they were in a hurry to get it done.
We got their trucks loaded with my stuff, and then they got into their trucks, waiting for me.
Ann had been watching the whole thing, and I could tell how afraid she was of me moving out. This was the most dramatic scene that I have ever experienced.
We were both standing in the kitchen. I turned to Ann and said, "Well Ann, this is it." She responded, in a very loud voice, "If you walk out that door, you are never coming back!"
As I was trying to keep my composure, I was trembling inside. I said, "I know," and I walked out the door, to one of the trucks.
The trip was only seven miles, so it did not take too long to get there.
Bob and Steve quickly unloaded their trucks, to fill my apartment with furniture and boxes, and when the last ones were in, they both said, "There you go Dan, see you later."
As the door closed, I had never felt so alone, and so frightened in my life. I am blind, on my own, and I was frightened of the future.
I did not have my “best buddy” with me to tuck in and say prayers together. Was this the biggest mistake I ever made?
That first evening, I just unpacked the essentials to sleep. I was too scared and upset to do anything else.
The next day, I called my little “buddy”, and Ann. She brought him over to see what I was doing. She left my buddy there for a while, then came back to take him home.
I started unpacking, just to do the things that were in front of me. I was somehow realizing that this was a spiritual experience for me, because, with my perception of myself, with no experience of ever living on my own, even sighted, was too overwhelming for me to go through with moving out on my strength alone.
I believe that God was with me, guiding me, and blessing me, all the way. I stayed in close contact with my little buddy, and he started coming over on weekends.
What really helped me was when he started accepting my situation in my apartment. I could hardly wait until he could come over, as he was allowing me to be his dad.
Though it was in an unusual way, it felt wonderful that I could be. We enjoyed our time together, walking through town, visiting stores, and the long walk to Chill and Grill, for ice cream.
He even had his friends come over, and we would play games together.
I feel that God had blessed me with being the best Dad that I could be, under my blind circumstances. I am sure that he will never forget the day that I took him to a movie by myself, as we walked five miles, one way, to get there. Luckily, after the movie, the afternoon bus was pulling into the parking lot, so we were able to take it back home.
King’s court was a huge step in my life for independence, in all four natures. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I am sure that my little buddy had a hard time with me leaving, but his acceptance of the move helped make it possible for it to happen.
With the news of my move, started opening other, new doors in my life. With the many friends that I had acquired from AA, and the self-help seminar I attended, the interaction with many of them just blossomed, and opened wide.
This really was the first time that I had ever lived on my own, and it was obvious to me, that I needed to learn to live this way.