I have another son. His name is Shawn. He was born during my peak drinking days, in my deep bondage of alcoholism.
I had no contact with him at all, until he was eighteen years old.
The first contact that I had with him was a letter that I wrote to him, in recovery from alcoholism.
I had come to learn that his father figures were his grandfather, and his two uncles. Shawn certainly did not deserve this path, without a father, but I feel grateful and blessed that God was watching over him in my absense.
for now he is a healthy, strong, upright man, which is successful with his “basic foundation”.
At this time in my life, I had a higher power in control of my every thought, actions, and behavior. This was the disease called alcoholism.
I had no reason to change this way of life, in my mind, but Shawn’s mother, as soon as we were married, decided that this behavior was unacceptable to her.
Therefore, she demanded that I stop this way of life, at once.
My alcoholism rebelled against her wishes, with a fury, and quickly we separated. The way the split up happened made me furious, and this anger, along with drinking, was like pouring gasoline on a burning fire.
I had no idea that she was pregnant with our son until just before he was born.
Therefore, I had bitter resentment, for at least ten years, through both tragic accidents, also, into recovery.
I had often wondered about Shawn, and I had deep feelings over not being capable of being a father to him.
I could not talk to anyone about this, as it was a family secret at the time.
After twelve years of recovery from alcoholism, I was finally able to deal with, and acknowledge my son Shawn, with this following letter to him.
This is just a note to let you know that I do acknowledge you as my son and that I have had you on my mind, in all of your years.
Circumstances, as they were, would not allow us to grow together. This is unfortunate, but it is reality.
I do not want to invade any territory or cause any repercussions, but I would be interested in a contact with you if you would consider it.
This would be entirely your choice, whatever it may be, I would understand.
You have the address on the envelope.
Sincerely,
Your Father
This meeting was a spiritual event in my life, only after I had asked God, for his guidance, with everything that I perceive and do.
I now thank God, for providing my son Shawn, with proper guidance, from his mother, and both grandparents, and his uncles.
For he has turned out to be a great man, with a wonderful wife by his side. I am so grateful for this fact.
Again, I look to God, and give thanks, that despite my past, and behaviors, that I am sorry for, God has provided for each one of my sons.
Shawn and I have respect for each other, but have a distant relationship, and I do not blame him at all.
I am sure that his feelings were hurt beyond belief, growing up without his dad, and I am truly sorry for that.
I am restricted from repairing the past. I now need to go forward, and to follow the spiritual guidelines that I have learned in my recovery from the disease of alcoholism.
Now, as I attempt to live the principals of the AA program, I will seek God, clean house, and help others.
Also, when I have opportunity to make amends, I will ask forgiveness, to God, and to those I have harmed.
In the earlier chapter, I referred to my life in, “Teenage Sobriety.”
I now need to inform Shawn that I feel that he was more emotionally mature than I was, at the time of our first meeting.
This event in my life was an extremely powerful growth lesson for me, as I was in the process of growing up also.
I know that God had allowed me to go to deep places in my life, and I am sorry that all three of my children, have paid hard consequences, because of my alcoholism.
I now have deep gratitude, to be able to have personal relationships with each one of them, with my undeserved acceptance and love towards me from them.
I am so happy that they did not have to take the path that I took.
I now pray to God, for Shawn, and Cory and Danny, to ask that He would draw them to a closer relationship to Himself, each other. Also, to the point of forgiveness, guidance, and blessing, that we all need.
For God has allowed me to live through a tragic life, and to be here to express my gratitude, and my love towards them.
I consider this a miracle in itself.