I am not authoring this book to claim victimhood or to downgrade Ann. I want to write about what happened to me to influence my personal growth independently.
I now consider Ann one of my teachers. I feel that God had designed her in my life to provide for my well-being throughout my recovery, and also to give me the drive for independence that otherwise I might not have attained on my own.
I have come to understand her fears, especially since I knew about her dysfunctional upbringing growing up and our “at the time” current life circumstances. I need to explain the results of my growth from the relationship of us together, as it was dysfunctional.
I learned that one of the traits of a co-dependent person is their perception of what they want someone to be, instead of who they really are.
I will never forget the overpowering physical attraction to her that I felt when I looked at her. With the alcohol inside of me, it magnified my “so-called” feelings for her. The drive was on, and we ended up together, unhealthy as it was.
I know what it is like to be self-conscious, as this was my way of life throughout my childhood and well into my life in recovery. At the time, I had no idea what self-conscious meant, but it seemed that fear had a powerful grip on my life.
I know that Ann did the best she could with what she had and what she was going through with my disability. I am grateful for all that she has given of herself in our many years, and especially in the raising of our children.
It was time to face reality about our fears and how they dictated our lives, individually and as a family.
In late spring, on a beautiful sunny day, I did not know where Ann was.
Looking for her, I finally found her outside, sitting on a blanket in the grass. I said to her, “What’s going on?” She was silent, and it was obvious that something was wrong. Again, I said, “Ann, what’s going on?”
She finally spoke and said, “I should have listened to my mother.” I said, “Listened to your mother about what?” She said, “I never should have married a blind man.”
I could tell that she had her head down in very deep sadness. I was shocked and in a state of true powerlessness. There was nothing I could say.
I just had to walk back to the house in sadness and in a state of true powerlessness.
Ann, apparently in deep self-pity, realized that she was stuck, married to a blind man for the rest of her life. This was a new change in our relationship.
I saw that our situation placed her in bondage and made her bitter and resentful. Within my fear, as I knew it, I realized that there had to be a change. Therefore, I became the world’s greatest people pleaser. I had no choice, with my dependence on her.
In reacting to my fear, I went into full “co-dependent mode.” Therefore, trying to please her was a very daunting task. I realized that, with the way she was feeling, it was pointless.
She became incredibly angry and very resentful toward me, so on a very regular basis she would take the kids and leave for the day. This is when I spent a lot of alone time, and it was a very lonely part of my life.
My siblings and other family members felt uncomfortable coming over to visit me, as they did not want to make waves with Ann. Therefore, I was rarely meeting with them. I realized that this was the first stage of the failure of my marriage with Ann.
I had to learn a very tough lesson: I cannot change anybody but myself. I now realize that God had placed her into my life to be one of my many teachers.
Although it felt uncomfortable at the time, I realized that I had to start working on myself, and I had to learn that I knew what I did not want in life.
We experienced a pinnacle of self-conscious control with another event. I found out that one of my favorite music groups was performing a free concert in the city closest to us. I approached Ann about taking me, and she reluctantly said yes.
I was very excited about this because it gave me a glimmer of hope that my life was not over due to my blindness. The day of the concert came, and we were getting ready to go. Ann went to get the babysitter and brought her home to watch our children. She gave instructions to her, and we walked out to the car. We both got in and shut the doors.
Ann started the car, but we just sat there. I finally said, “What’s going on?” She then turned the car off with the key. I said, “What are you doing?” She said, “I just can’t do it.” I said, “You can’t do what?” She said, “I just can’t be seen in public with a blind man.”
We both walked back into the house, as I felt total defeat. I went to my computer, and she went to take the babysitter home. What happened to me here again describes the phrase: “Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization.”
I was rapidly learning about my fears from the AA program, but with the fears that Ann had, I realized that I had no power over them at all. I learned about the Serenity Prayer in AA, and I truly believe that experience is the best teacher when I had no choice but to use it.
After this event of not going to the concert, I knew that the possibility of trying to save this relationship was over. I had to start being honest with myself, acknowledge my fears, and change my life in a different direction. I knew that I needed to start relying on faith, as I heard in the AA meetings that “faith is the opposite of fear.”
I had too much experience with fear, so it was time to try the opposite. This prompted my main drive to be as independent as possible. The computer became much more important to me, along with the intense drive to learn as much as I could.
As I was starting to gain more friends in AA and finding a source for a social life outside the home, the further Ann and I grew apart.
My “striving for independence” attitude was getting stronger because of this separation. Therefore, my computer and screen-reading skills were getting better every day. I was communicating with others through email, and I was even browsing the internet.
I gained many new friends in the AA meetings that I attended, as the friendship and camaraderie seemed to be unconditional, accepting me the way I am. Therefore, I found myself looking forward to the next meeting and finding healthy fellowship with them. My focus began to switch to this new way of life instead of tiptoeing around Ann when she was home.
I then decided that I needed more to do. I called the commissioner for the blind to find out possibilities for job placement or a program to fill my time.
I went to check out the “Blind workshop” in the city. The commissioner resisted this possibility and suggested that I go into the vending program. I did not like the sound of the vending program, so I put in an application at the “Blind workshop.”
They gave me an evaluation and then hired me in May of 1987. This took much of my day, every weekday, Monday through Friday, as the workshop was over twenty-five miles from our home. I was still dependent on Ann to take me to the bus each morning and then pick me up in the evening, as I took a “park and ride” bus to work every day.
As I started gaining more independence, growing in sobriety, and gaining friends, Ann’s fears seemed to increase, and as a result, the arguments increased. I was not comfortable with any confrontation, and I did my best to try to shield our children from the yelling, but it became overwhelming.
I was on a long, endless journey of trying to fix whatever was wrong in this marriage, but I came to learn that this marriage was unfixable. The truth came out in one of the arguments, which stunned me and changed everything when Ann blurted out, “This marriage wasn’t based on love; it was based on alcoholism.”
It was time for me to face reality. This is not what I wanted at all. In my recovery from alcoholism, I also learned about codependency, especially having to deal with my blindness, striving for independence, and being so dependent on her.
I had a huge hill to climb with my independence and learned there was much more to it than physical dependency. I learned about the four-fold nature of independence: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
I knew that if I were to recover and gain my independence, I was going to have to work in all four of these areas. The main thing that I learned, at least speaking for myself, was that I had them backward.
As a self-proclaimed alcoholic, “the auto accident” started my rapid decline and made me physically sick. Then there was my mental state, caused by the denial of my blindness. This was not easy, but I tried hard to overcome it, believe me. Then the emotional state that came with the guilt, remorse, and deep sadness after realizing what I had done, not only to myself but to so many of my loved ones as well. Then spiritual is the end of the line, resulting in me finally hitting my bottom.
This gave me my first motive for change, having nowhere else to go, and then also a place to start. I then learned that recovery is the same process in reverse: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and then physically.
This is where the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous allowed me to recover. There are twelve life-changing principles to live by. Having had this program save my life, the AA program, 12 steps, and fellowship allowed my spiritual awakening, epiphany, hope, and the strength and willingness to change my life in a brand-new way.
To break away from the bondage of fear was so liberating and wonderful.