“Man must evolve for all human conflict, a method, which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation.
The foundation of such a method is love. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination, nor both together, go to the making of a genius.
Love, love, love, that is the soul of Genius.”
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
“James Roswell Quinn is Omni-Effective. He gets you to think, act, and change your life, and make it instantly better.”
Mark Victor Hansen – Co-Creator, Chicken Soup For The Soul
“The Love-Based Leader is a real WINNER! The great real-life stories make it a page-turner reference tool for joyful living! Quinn is bringing LOVE to a stressed-out world. TERRIFIC!”
Ed Foreman – U. S. Congressman (Texas and New Mexico). The first person elected to the U.S. Congress from two different states in 100 years.
"Learning to lead should be the focus for every successful business person. The ideas and examples in The Love-Based Leader provide a thoughtful approach on how to skillfully navigate an organization in the 21st century."
Dr. Nido Qubein – President, High Point University Chairman, Great Harvest Bread President, National Speakers Association
“Disney rarely brings in outside speakers and trainers. I am glad we decided to have Quinn run his Love-Based Leader workshop. Not only did everyone love the presentation, there have been noticeable changes in how people are solving problems. This was valuable.”
Joe Ranft – Walt Disney Feature Animation, Pixar, and other studios. CREDITS: Finding Nemo, Cars, Toy Story, A Bugs Life, Beauty & The Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, The Incredibles, Monsters Inc., and more.
“Today’s workplace poses challenging situations. Quinn’s message on Love-Based Leadership, and recognizing the positive attributes within each of us, was inspiring and will contribute to a more balanced and constructive approach in the management of people and projects.”
Jean-Pierre St-Amand – President, Real Property Institute of Canada
“I have spoken to hundreds of Fortune 500 Companies. James Roswell Quinn is genuine, engaging, relevant and compassionate. He brings 100 years of wisdom and experience to the table. Quinn is a pro...a jaw dropper."
Brian Holloway – Vice-President of the NFL Player’s Association Team Captain of the New England Patriots 1985 Super Bowl Team
“Clear, powerful, memorable and inspirational. The Love-Based Leader delivers insightful ideas and provides the action steps to put them to work. If you want to take your life and your business to the next level, this book is your launching pad for extraordinary results. Fantastic!”
Rich Fettke – Author of the best selling book, Extreme Success
Copyright © 2011 Quinn Incorporated
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner
whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
One Quest Publishing
1090 Winborne Rd
Davis, IL 61019-9756 USA
Foreword by Steven Sieden, Author
Buckminster Fuller’s Universe, His Life and Work
Editing and Cover Design by Brandi Jasmine
Illustrations and Cover Photo by Peter Fromme-Douglas
Creating Success By
Overcoming Fear-Based Living
James Roswell Quinn
Qne Quest Publishing
FOREWORD: Buckminster Fuller: The Trimtab Principle
Steven Sieden – author, Buckminster Fuller’s Universe
INTRODUCTION:The Leadership Evolution
PART I – THE PROBLEM
CHAPTER 1: The Four Fear-Based Reactions
The Green Beret
Fear of Failure
Denial of Fear
The Four Fear-Based Reactions
The FIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
The FLIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
The FREEZE Fear-Based Reaction
The FACADE Fear-Based Reaction
EXTREME Fear-Based Reactions
SECONDARY Fear-Based Reactions
EXERCISE #1 – Your Fear-Based Reactions
CHAPTER 2: Fear is NOT the Problem
Pre-Actions and Survival Programs
The Sand Wasp
The Three Levels of Negative Circumstances
The Reactive Cycle
Overcoming Fear-Based Reactions
EXERCISE #2 – Your Non-Survival Programs
PART II – THE SOLUTION
CHAPTER 3:Who Wants to WORK on a Relationship?
Roberta Rockefeller and Me
“I Haven’t Spoken To My Mother in 20 Years”
EXERCISE #3 - The Highest Blessing
The Man and The Wood Stove
Captain Dan and Laura
EXERCISE #4 - Choosing To Give
CHAPTER 4:Love-Based Leadership? In Business?
The Restaurant Manager
The Win-Win Principle
The Business World is Changing
Guidelines for Creating Consensus
“Well Days” at the Warehouse
EXERCISE #5 - Creating Consensus
CHAPTER 5:Our One Quest is Peace
The Dachau Survivor
Their Daughter Was Murdered
The Mirror Concept
LIVING Fear-Based or LEADING Love-Based
The Penalty of Leadership
PART III – THE METHOD
Four E’s of Excellence
CHAPTER 6:ETHICS - The Alternative to FACADE
The Problem: The FACADE Fear-Based Reaction
The Solution: Add ETHICS
The Tool: Creating Desired Results
The 7 Guidelines for Creating Desired Results The Fired Banker
EXERCISE #6 - Creating Desired Results
CHAPTER 7: ENTHUSIASM - The Alternative to FREEZE 143
An “Autistic” Adult
The Problem: The FREEZE Fear-Based Reaction
The Solution: Add ENTHUSIASM
The Tool: Planned Spontaneity
EXERCISE #7 - Plan Something Spontaneous
CHAPTER 8: EVALUATION – The Alternative to FLIGHT 157
The Real Estate Salesman
The Problem: The FLIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
The Solution: Add EVALUATION
The Tool: Centering
EXERCISE #8 - Centering
CHAPTER 9:EMPATHY - The Alternative to FIGHT
The Problem: The FIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
The Solution: Add EMPATHY
The New Car Dealer
The Tool: The Trust Formula
Using the Trust Formula
The Crisis Negotiator
Using the Trust Formula on Yourself
EXERCISE #9 - Creating Trust
CHAPTER 10: The Four Personality Styles
The Problem With Learning Your Own Style
The Problem With Categorizing The Styles of Others
The Unique Advantage of “Four E’s of Excellence”
The Love-Based Leader TARGET ZONE
Summary – Using “Four E’s of Excellence” on Yourself
EXERCISE #10 – Your Love-Based Leadership Qualities
But What if “Four E’s of Excellence” Does Not Work?
Summary – Using “Four E’s of Excellence” on OTHERS
The Global Love-Based Leader
A Sense of Urgency
The Love-Based Leadership BOOM
James Roswell Quinn
APPENDIX: Variations of the “Four Personality Styles”
A Request for Stories of Love-Based Leadership
Contact The Author
GET OVER YOURSELF
Businessman, statesman, inventor, futurist,
architect of the geodesic dome,
and the man who coined the term “Spaceship Earth”.
“Bucky” has one of the longest listings in the history of
Who’s Who in America.
The Trimtab Principle
by Steven Sieden, author
Buckminster Fuller’s Universe: His Life and Work
We find ourselves in the last stages of a great cosmic final examination. As Buckminster Fuller wrote in 1983, “The cosmic question has been asked. Are humans worthwhile to Universe?”
“Bucky” said our exam could be boiled down to one simple question, “Am I choosing love or fear?” He recognized while this choice of love over fear is actually quite logical today; it was not rational for our ancestors.
In the 1930’s, Fuller was the first person to take a thorough accounting of all Earth’s resources. He determined that we were continually doing “more with less”. Fuller surmised that our “more with lessing” would eventually create a world in which there was enough for everyone, and he sought to determine when that would take place.
“Humanity is taking its final examination. We have come to an extraordinary moment when it doesn’t have to be you or me anymore. There is enough for all.”
His calculations led him to predict that the shift would occur in 1976. It has now been proven that, in 1976, humankind became so efficient that we could feed everyone on Earth. That statistic also applies to all other resources including non-physical ones such as love.
There is enough of everything, but most of us continue to react from the mindset of pre-1976 when we had to fight for “our share” and to make sure that our family and friends had what they needed. We did this out of fear, which was valid prior to the 1976 transition. Now, more than ever, we need to recognize that there is enough for everyone and begin to contribute and share wholeheartedly. In other words, we need to act out of love rather than fear.
The question then becomes, how does one individual accomplish this? How can we each manifest what makes the most difference, and give our individual gifts in the most effective manner possible?
This seems like a difficult challenge until we consider all that was accomplished by the great women and men who lived in an era where there really was not enough to go around. Those brave individuals gave of themselves in ways we can only describe as heroic, even though their peers often perceived them as unstable.
These wise ancestors often used a strategy we too can employ. They looked to see where they could make the most difference with the least effort, thereby allowing them to do much more with very little. Bucky Fuller compared this behavior to that of a ship’s trimtab.
“A large ship goes by, and then comes the rudder.
On the edge of the rudder is a miniature rudder called a trimtab.
Moving the trimtab builds a low pressure which turns the rudder that steers the gigantic ship with almost no effort.
One individual can be a trimtab, making a major difference.”
Bucky’s tombstone reads, “Call Me Trimtab”
James Roswell Quinn has been a trimtab with much of his life. Rather than devoting the majority of his time to one-on-one consultation, he shares his talents and insights with groups of people. I have personally utilized many of the techniques he teaches. Quinn has a great deal to offer at this critical juncture in the evolution of humankind.
The trimtab principle is available to each of us as well. We may not be the people who stand in front of a room or write a book, but we have a responsibility to uncover our unique talents and gifts, and share them with the world in an effective manner.
Within Bucky’s, “World that works for everyone”, that has emerged since 1976, we are all vital to the process of making a global shift by becoming accountable for leading from a position of love in all aspects of our lives. We
need more people who reflect this perspective of love, rather than the fear that has dominated our society since the dawn of recorded history. We need average individuals, as many leaders have described themselves, to step forward into their true calling.
James Roswell Quinn has been on the leading edge of supporting this emerging reality and the transformation that it offers to every crew member aboard Spaceship Earth. With this book, he shares a wealth of information gained from teaching hundreds of seminars and workshops.
The Love-Based Leader is a great toolbox for those seeking to make a positive difference in the world. Many have embarked on the journey toward becoming what Quinn describes as a “love-based leader”. It may not always be smooth sailing, but I can assure you it is the only way our children and their children will survive and prosper.
“Whether humanity is to continue and comprehensively prosper on Spaceship Earth depends entirely on the integrity of the human individuals, and not on the political and economic systems.”
I invite you to choose the path of love-based leadership, and become a trimtab on behalf of all humankind. Each of us can make a difference. We can contribute our gifts to others and, in the process, receive the rewards of being gifted with the talents of others.
Making the decision to be a love-based leader does not require sacrifice. The path of love is a path of joy. It promotes a sense of well being for all who choose it. Choosing love brings forth the best in each of us, and calls us to greater challenges and possibilities. Choosing love opens doorways that we did not know existed and allows for the magic called synergy to blossom in our lives and in the lives of those we touch.
In choosing to be a love-based leader, each of us helps to lay the foundation for a new civilization in which we will manifest the often-imagined “Heaven on Earth”. That possibility is here now. It lies within each of us to be a trimtab, and thus make a major difference. Turn the pages of this book gently, and you will surely find clues to your personal journey.
I wish for you to live your dreams.
Author, Buckminster Fuller’s Universe: His Life and Work
The Evolution of Leadership
Leadership based on Position-Power is history.
It is time to stop fighting against what you do NOT want, and to start fighting for what you DO want.
There is a difference.
The Leadership Evolution
We are in the midst of an evolution in leadership. Throughout history, unless you were born into power or wealth, leadership was not an option. With rare exceptions, the only choice for most people was to live fear-based or die. The only choice for leaders was to lead fear-based or lose.
Today, people have a different choice. They can continue to choose to live fear-based lives, and to follow fear-based leaders. Or, they can instead choose to be love-based leaders.
The Love-Based Leader explains the fundamental concepts of this evolution. More importantly, it provides practical techniques for the development of love-based leadership as your vehicle for the creation of desired results ... personally, professionally, and globally.
For me, the quest to understand and teach the concepts and techniques of love-based leadership began in Chicago in 1975. That was the summer I was finally talked into attending my parent’s LifeStream personal growth seminar. Please take a journey with me back in time.
I am sitting in the audience, waiting for the seminar to begin. About 45 people are seated in typical seminar chairs, packed closely together, with an aisle down the center. I am sitting three rows back, on the left side of the room, facing front. There are windows to the right and rear of the room, a solid wall in front, and doors to the left. In the front of the room there is an easel stand with a large pad of paper.
Most of the people around me are chatting. I am sitting quietly by myself and wondering why I have come. My parents, who own and present this seminar, have been trying to get me here for about two years.
I am hoping this finally gets them off my back. In four days, we won’t have to talk about it anymore. They will no longer be able to tell me that I am missing something special. Not only that, I will soon be able to dismiss this ridiculous concept of personal growth that they keep preaching to me. I am already looking for ways to shoot holes in the idea.
I seriously doubt that I will experience anything special, and in fact, am sitting here wondering why all of these people have paid money to my parents for this four-day, so-called, self-improvement seminar. I am sarcastically thinking, “Did my parents withhold all of the good stuff until I paid a tuition?” My thoughts are judgmental and resistant.
Finally, my father enters the room and begins the seminar by welcoming us all, and challenging us to be responsible for creating our own value from the weekend. “The value won’t come from what you take from this seminar,” he tells us, “It will come from what you are prepared to give.”
I am thinking, “So, what is he going to be doing if we have to create the value?” I would really rather not be here.
Then, my father looks at us and says something that changes my life. He points to the center of the audience and says,
“You are only as big as the smallest thing it takes to upset you.”
For some reason, that really upsets me. After all, I reason, it is not my fault if someone else is being mean or stupid. Then it occurs to me that in my lifetime, there have been many tiny little things that have upset me. All of a sudden I am thinking, “What if my father is right? And, if he is right, if all it takes to upset me is for someone to make a stupid statement, then I must be pretty small indeed.”
I do not like having that thought, but I cannot get it out of my mind. At that moment I realize for the bulk of my life, if someone treated me badly I resented them – and if someone treated me nicely I liked them. Basically, my life had been controlled by how the people around me had been treating me. I wonder, could this explain why I am filled with so many insecurities despite all of my blessings?
I decide to discover how I can become bigger than the little things that have hurt my feelings and made me feel angry or insecure. Heck, I am tired of spending my life worrying about what everyone else is thinking anyway.
I am suddenly aware that my father is still speaking. He says, “The bottom line is you have a choice. You can choose to live in fear and justify it, or you can choose to take responsibility for your own life and to live in love. By the end of this weekend you will know how to make that choice.” I make a conscious choice to take him up on the challenge.
That was the beginning of my quest to become a love-based leader, even though my parents did not use that terminology. It has thus far led to successes far beyond my dreams.
Had I realized where this quest was going to take me, I would have certainly hesitated. My low self worth would never have allowed for me to envision speaking in nine countries, and with companies such as Walt Disney Feature Animation – much less to share the speaker’s platform with world-class leaders such as Mark Victor Hansen, Jim Rohn, Les Brown, Brian Holloway, Congressman Ed Foreman, and others. No, those would have been impossible dreams for me.
If you are ready to become a love-based leader, then prepare now for the creation of successes bigger than you have ever dreamed. Not just bigger than what you have achieved, but bigger than what you have dreamed.
It has been said that dreams are what give our lives value.
But, it is how we live that determines if our dreams have value.
Throughout history, humans have consistently resisted change. For example, we have known for hundreds of years that there is no truth what-so-ever to the terms “sunrise” and “sunset” ... the Sun neither rises nor sets. It just appears to do so as the Earth spins on its axis. Even though this fact is common knowledge, these terms are still in general usage.
Change is now occurring so rapidly that for the first time in history, you can literally stand on a street corner and observe change taking place. Many of these changes are being resisted, to be sure. But some are being embraced.
We have seen the Internet, personal computers, cell-phones, PDAs, HD television, and other technological wonders achieve global market penetration and acceptance. This has occurred far more rapidly than anyone could have imagined just a few years ago, and the pace of change is accelerating.
Rapid changes are not just occurring in technology. In 1900, there were only 15 democracies in the world and only two in Europe. Today there are over 120 democracies in the world and only two nations in Europe are not democracies (and one of them is Vatican City).
The result of all of this change is a volatile and unpredictable world. Intimate relationships often seem to cause more frustration than fulfillment. Many families are in turmoil. A large number of corporations are floundering or failing. The United States has been involved in two wars. Fears of a global recession abound.
While people have almost always been threatened on several different fronts, the evolution of leadership is changing how people are dealing with these challenges. It is becoming increasingly unacceptable, for example, to hate the “enemy” simply because someone in power thinks we should.
Traditional “position-power” leadership has always been fear-based. By utilizing their positions of authority, husbands have controlled their wives, parents have controlled their children, bosses have controlled their employees, and governments have controlled their citizens. Position-power has been effective because most people have lived fear-based lives.
Today however, those relying on position-power are becoming increasingly frustrated because the fear-based strategies and behaviors of the past are rapidly losing effectiveness. In fact, it is becoming apparent that efforts to control others are facing more and more resistance ... personally, professionally, and globally.
Buckminster Fuller discovered that everything changed in 1976, when fear-based living shifted from being the solution to being the problem (see the “Foreword” beginning on page 7). Today, more people than ever are longing to stop living fear-based lives. The Love-Based Leader will show them the way.
Hard work, challenges, and threats are not new for people.
What is new is the chance for them to be leaders ...
if they choose to lead with love.
Since 1979, the concepts and techniques in The Love-Based Leader have been refined in over 1,500 personal and professional development seminars and keynote addresses in the USA, UK, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Dominican Republic, Thailand, New Zealand, Bahamas, and Dubai. They have helped tens of thousands of people to overcome everything from minor irritations to unimaginable tragedies. Many of their stories are included in this book in order to assist you in solving your own personal and professional challenges.
The Love-Based Leader is your handbook for the creation of successes with your life, not just in your life. If this stirs something in you, and you want to understand what this truly means and how to do it, then you have already begun your journey.
Regardless of your circumstances and how you feel about them, you have a choice. You can live fear-based or you can lead love-based. The world has enough people living fear-based. We need love-based leaders and we need them now.
Welcome to the quest,
James Roswell Quinn
My dream is of a joyous world where all people treat themselves, all other people, and Earth with honor and respect.
For my children.
I love you QuinnTillions
The Inevitable Result of Excessive Fear-Based Reactions to Real or Perceived Threats
You do not need your mind to react.
An amoeba knows how to do that.
Stimulus … Response … Stimulus … Response
You only need ONE cell to react.
You need your mind to be able to choose NOT to react.
I was one of the lucky ones. I grew up in a family that overflowed with love. As a result I witnessed many examples of love-based leadership, long before I coined the term.
My earliest and strongest memory of the power of love-based leadership was an event that had a profound impact on both my father and me. It happened in 1966, when we were living in Thousand Oaks, California.
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
Based on how most people love themselves,
our neighbors are in serious trouble.
My parents, James and Janet Quinn, were successful business owners. My father was president of the Merchant’s Association, president of the Thousand Oaks Chamber of Commerce, and was on the Board of Directors of California Lutheran College. My mother was president of one of the largest Republican women’s clubs in America. They also belonged to many other business, recreational, civic, and charitable organizations.
The natural consequence of their activities and friendships was a steady stream of people through our home. Add three teenagers (Nancy, Gary, and myself) plus our friends, and you can see why our house was referred to as the Quinn “Circus”.
While ours was one of the most visited houses in town, I do not recall anyone ever visiting next door. Our neighbor, Fred, was the most unfriendly man I had ever known. Ironically though, he worked in public relations for a large airline company.
Every morning his garage door would open and Fred would leave for work. Every evening it would swallow him up. Fred so desired isolation he created a two-fence barrier between himself and his five backyard neighbors. Apparently, Fred did not feel just one fence was enough, because he actually built a second fence about one foot inside of the original. We jokingly nicknamed him “Friendly Fred”.
Friendly Fred’s one love (hopefully in addition to his wife) was his beautiful dichondra lawn. Dichondra lawns are always green and never need mowing, but they do require lots of sun and water. While Southern California is blessed with lots of sun, there is not too much rain. To compensate, Friendly Fred watered his precious dichondra lawn at least once a day. The result was squishy ground … so squishy you would leave an impression if you stepped on his lawn.
During the week, the only times we saw Friendly Fred was when he came outside to water his lawn. But on weekends, when we played football in the street or were riding our bikes on the sidewalk, Fred would come out to the curb to check for mail in his mailbox several times an hour. A dirty stare or some yelling by Friendly Fred always accompanied these little walks. He was so intimidating that if a ball or Frisbee landed in his back yard, nobody would ever knock on his door to get it back.
He was obviously consumed with protecting his property. If you have ever seen how teenagers can rebel against anyone who tries to enforce authority, then you know his fears were valid. In fact, we usually got even with him by leaving footprints and tire impressions on his beloved lawn.
Friendly Fred also resented anyone who parked in front of his house because they would leave impressions when they stepped on his lawn while going to and from their cars.
It was this resentment over what to me was an
‘insignificant’ problem, that led to one of my greatest life lessons.
Since it was not always possible to find a parking space in front of the Quinn Circus, occasionally one of our visitors would park in front of Friendly Fred’s home. Fred would immediately rush out and yell at them. We figured he must sit by his window just waiting for his chance to bolt outside and explode on any unsuspecting victim.
Friendly Fred might have been unfriendly, but he wasn’t stupid. One day he bought a Rain-Bird sprinkler which sprayed water not only onto his lawn, but way out into the street. “Now,” he must have thought, “nobody will park here.”
This worked like a charm, and nobody parked in front of Friendly Fred’s house when he was watering. However, since he could not water his lawn all of the time, those people who parked there when the sprinkler was off would still get to experience his hostility.
One time, Friendly Fred chose to water his lawn after several cars had already parked in front of his house. When my brother and I noticed what he was doing, we started to get angry, but my father reminded us of one of his favorite sayings:
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
So, instead of getting angry, we decided to have a little fun at Friendly Fred’s expense. Gary and I got chamois cloths, and proceeded to wash our friends’ cars with Friendly Fred’s water.
Friendly Fred failed to see the humor in this, and he came out and yelled at us. We simply laughed at him to rub salt in his wounds. This is basically how we lived for several years.
Then one day my parents were throwing a large party. They did not want trouble from Friendly Fred, so the invitations clearly warned everyone not to park in front of his house. Guests parked in front of other people’s houses up and down the street. We were certain we would have a pleasant afternoon without having to deal with Friendly Fred.
It was a typical California summer day, hot and sunny. Most of the people were in the back yard cooking, eating and drinking. Some people were playing croquet and ping-pong while others were inside preparing food or shooting pool. Everyone was having a marvelous time.
Unfortunately, my father’s good friend Bill was late for the party. Bill had just returned from a trip and had spent the morning taking delivery of his dream car, a Cadillac convertible destined to be a classic.
Bill was so excited to show off his new car that he drove straight to our party without checking his mail. He never read the invitation with the parking warning, so he pulled his car into the only remaining space; smack in front of Friendly Fred’s house.
Bill joined the party and played the “Guess what I did today” game with us. After about an hour he told us about his new car, and we all hurried out front to see it.
To our collective horror we saw his beautiful Cadillac convertible, with the top down, being soaked by Friendly Fred’s sprinkler. Apparently, just after Bill arrived, Friendly Fred had decided it was a good time to water his lawn … and had been spraying Bill’s new car with water for almost an hour.
My father literally exploded. In my 17 years, I had never seen him this angry. He was so furious he could not even talk. I honestly think you could have fried an egg on his forehead.
Suddenly, my father leapt over the little hedge separating our front yards, and ran across Friendly Fred’s dichondra lawn kicking out big divots of the wet sod with each step. When he got to the sprinkler, my father kicked it so hard that instead of shooting water into Bill’s Cadillac, the spray was directed into Friendly Fred’s open bedroom window. He also broke his own toe.
While Friendly Fred yelled at us, we moved Bill’s car into our driveway to dry it out. There was surprisingly little damage. This, however, did not cool down my father. It did not help that Friendly Fred had called the police.
Friendly Fred wanted my dad arrested for wrecking his lawn, breaking his sprinkler, and soaking his drapes. Luckily, both officers knew my father so he was not arrested. They got him to return to the party while they dealt with Friendly Fred.
By now, everyone knew about what Friendly Fred had done to Bill’s car, and about how my father reacted. The party quickly lost its joyousness, and people soon departed. My father ranted all night about how he was going to get even with Friendly Fred.
The next day my father could not work because of his anger. He decided to come home early and make himself a drink. This is a man who never came home early, rarely got angry, and never got drunk. Yet there he sat, drinking in our family room with his anger increasing each minute.
About 5:30, Friendly Fred drove past our house and was swallowed into his garage. I was worried my father might go next door and start a fight.
A few minutes later, I saw Friendly Fred walking up our sidewalk. In all the years we lived next door to each other, this was the first time he had come to our home. This did not bode well.
Friendly Fred rang the bell and my dad opened the door. I was certain a fight was about to break out until I saw that Friendly Fred was crying. He looked at my dad and said, “Jim, I just wanted to come over to apologize for yesterday.”
My father was visibly confused. “Apologize?”
With tears flowing, Friendly Fred continued, “… and to thank you for the flowers.”
“Flowers?” my dad asked, really confused now.
Fred, oblivious to my dad’s confusion, was holding a small card. He read from it out loud.
Isn’t it silly for people to act this way?
We really do love you.
Jim & Jan
Fred was actually sobbing as he read. When he finished, Fred handed the card to my father. At that moment, my father read it to himself, “Dear Fred. Isn’t it silly for people to act this way? We really do love you.”
My father read and re-read the card, trying to figure out what was going on, until suddenly I saw him smile. As I found out later, it was then that he realized what had happened. In an attempt to solve the problems with our neighbor, my mother had sent flowers and a nice card to Friendly Fred.
But there was more. She had signed the card “Jim & Jan”. My mother knew my father would probably object to this love-based solution, and would have certainly refused to allow her to sign his name, so she said nothing to him about “their” little gift.
Finally, Friendly Fred said through his tears, “Thank you Jim. I want you to know this is the first time in my life anyone has sent me flowers, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated getting them. But I really came over to thank you for something else."
At this point, he took the card back from my father and read aloud again. “Isn’t it silly for people to act this way? We really do love you.”
Practically bawling now, Friendly Fred managed to continue: “I want you to know, Jim, that except for my wife you are the only people in my life who have ever told me that they love me.”
With that, Friendly Fred broke down in sobs. My dad just held him in his arms, and nobody said a word for several minutes.
Finally, Fred went home, but the lesson was clear. Here we were, enjoying our “Circus” and making fun of Friendly Fred, when the only thing he really needed from us, was the one thing we had been unwilling to give to him … our love.
From that day onward, whenever anyone asked my father how to handle a difficult person, his response was always the same:
“Just give them love.
Just give them love.
Just give them love.”
The previous story shows how badly things can turn when our lives are controlled by our feelings. Thankfully, it also became an example of how such negativity can be turned around with love.
Feelings are internal signals that identify both positive and negative circumstances. While good feelings can lead you to wonderful experiences, and to quality personal and business relationships, bad feelings have value as well. You jerk your hand out of a fire because you do not like the feeling of your hand burning, thus preventing great damage to your hand. This is precisely why the feeling of pain is so valuable.
Disaster can result when feelings are misinterpreted. Feelings of pleasure can lead to the trap of drug addiction. Fear of rejection has prevented many from entering into beneficial relationships.
As such, feelings are neither good nor bad, they simply exist. Examples of feelings include hunger, irritation, joy, anger, pleasure, worry, serenity, nervousness, exhilaration, anxiety, happiness, resentment, fear and longing.
“Einstein found two fundamental forces
motivating human beings ... fear and longing.”
There is a constant battle between the feelings of fear and longing. Many people long for success, but have an overwhelming fear of rejection, ridicule, success, or failure. For these people there will always be excuses instead of results, regardless of lofty goals or financial desperation.
Those whose longing for success is more important than their fears will do whatever is necessary, in spite of their fears. This creates at least the chance for success.
Many years ago, while selling advertising, I made a sale on a Friday afternoon. It was my best week ever. I was ecstatic. I knew my wife and my boss would be happy. I decided to reward myself by heading home a little early.
Then I thought, “Why not make one more call?” I turned the car around and saw a person whom I had been afraid would reject me. I figured, “What have I got to lose?” It turned out to be the single biggest sale of my career. His referrals made my next week even bigger.
Fear or longing? One will always win. When you long for success, but succumb to your fear of failure, you do not even make the attempt. But, when you overcome your fear of rejection, because you are more motivated by your longing for success, you at least make the attempt. Only then do you create the opportunity to learn from a failure, and then do it again and again until you finally succeed.
To most people emotions are synonymous with feelings, but they are not. Feelings provide us with valuable information, while emotions are the external evidence of those feelings. Examples of emotions include laughter, tears, frowns, smiles, prejudice, kindness, cowardice, courage, shyness, arrogance, forgiveness, vengeance, resistance, hatred, and love.
In essence, emotions are how we show the world how we are feeling. Obviously, we can choose to emote our true feelings. Just as tears can be an honest expression of hurt, laughter can be an accurate demonstration of joy.
Nevertheless, emotions do not necessarily reflect or parallel our true feelings. For example, both tears and laughter can be faked. What we choose to emote is influenced by our self-worth, beliefs, desires, experiences, integrity, passions, and our current objectives.
Fear and Resentment, as with all Feelings,
are Natural Sensations.
Love and Hate, as with all Emotions,
Imagine you have just witnessed your child hit by a car—not killed, but pinned under the car in great pain and terror. As you run to assist, you see an obviously drunk driver stumble out of the car. Simultaneously, you would be experiencing feelings of fear for your child, anger for the driver, and a longing for your child’s survival. You would probably do one of two things:
1) Because of your feelings of fear and resentment, but in spite of or your longing for your child to be all right, you could focus on the drunk. You could chose to emote hate by attacking the drunk driver, getting hysterical, shutting-down, or even running away.
2) In spite of your feelings of fear and resentment, but because of your longing for your child to be all right, you could focus on the child. You could choose to emote love by saying things such as, “I’m here” or “You’re going to be OK.”
Even though you can obviously emote love even when you have feelings of fear and resentment, you would probably choose not to do so for the drunk driver (although some people may choose to forgive and then give love later). We can choose to emote love, even when we have been hurt. We can also choose to emote hate, even when we have not been hurt.
The Green Beret
Many years ago, there was a police officer in my class who literally had no fears. Officer “Smith,” a former Green Beret, was a member of his department’s S.W.A.T. team. He could not relate to any fear-based discussions, except from the position of being able to see how other people reacted to him because of their fears.
Officer Smith told us of his dream to become a Secret Service Agent. In fact, everything in his life had been geared to that one goal for as long as he could remember.
Unfortunately, his dream was destroyed by a single event. One night, while still in the army, he got in a bar fight because someone whistled at his date. It turned into a “Rambo” situation, with him ending up fighting the whole bar, and beating up several men. After his arrest he found out that he had lost his security clearance, and his dream was now gone. There was no chance he could ever become a Secret Service Agent.
When he finished telling us this story, I took a breath and said, “So basically, what you are telling me is that you are a weakling. You have no power, and it’s probably a good thing that you didn’t become a Secret Service Agent.”
I could see his rage building as I continued, “Let me get this straight. A guy did something you didn’t like, so you had to make him pay for it. Let’s see now, he spent an evening at the hospital, and you lost your dream. Who do you think paid the higher price? Who really lost?”
“They hurt your feelings, your pride, and your ego for a minute. By reacting with rage, you hurt yourself for a lifetime.”
His jaw slackened and he just looked at me. I continued, “You lost. You were beaten by sound waves. What a wimp.” I have never been the type of person to quit when I was ahead.
I was slowly backing up at that point because I was pretty sure I would get a reaction. But he just smiled and said, “I understand. I think I’m getting it now. I’ve arrested people who’ve thrown their lives away because someone else made them mad. I always wondered how they could be so blind. Yet, I did exactly the same thing.”
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. He smiled again and said, “You are the first person who has ever called me a name like that and walked away.” I was truly grateful he understood what I was talking about. Had he attacked me, our fight would have been a joke. While he probably knew dozens of ways of killing someone, I have never even been in a fistfight … not even once.
Fear Of Failure
Fear of failure can control your life, especially when triggered by perceived threats. These fear-based reactions must be overcome in order for you to create personal or professional excellence.
There is, for example, almost no real danger when rock climbing if you are climbing with qualified individuals in accordance with generally recognized safety standards. If you fall, your spotters and the equipment will keep you safe. Whether you feel embarrassed or inadequate, you have a choice. You can come down, continue climbing from where you fell, or try a different route.
On the other hand, for many people fear of falling creates a perception of danger that exceeds the possible good feelings they would get by successfully scaling a rock face. In such cases, otherwise capable persons give up before they start and do not give themselves a chance to experience this activity, much less excel at it.
Similarly, when a salesperson slips and falls, and fails to make a sale, there is rarely unrecoverable damage. Rejection and frustration are simply part of the process. A successful salesperson simply goes on to the next prospect, learning from the experience.
However, for many people fear of rejection creates a perception of danger that far exceeds the possible benefits of successfully making a sale. Just as with fear of falling when rock climbing, where otherwise capable persons give up before they start, they do not give themselves a chance to achieve excellence in sales.
In sales, rock climbing, or any endeavor where the perception of risk is grossly inflated, achievable objectives are not even attempted. “Playing it safe” guarantees failure. Ships in a harbor are safe, but it is not why ships were built. Avoiding the risk of failure keeps us safe, but it is not why we were born.
The main reason people do not have what they want?
They are too busy trying to prevent getting what they do not want.
Part of the problem is that “fear of rejection” and “fear of falling” are rational feelings. Rejection is painful and falling could be deadly. There is a certain amount of wisdom involved in choosing behaviors that prevent you from trying things that could end up in failure or death.
However, the cost of playing it safe can be enormous when the danger is only perceived. When you do not make a sales presentation because you hate being turned down, it is fear of rejection that has guaranteed you will not earn a commission today.
Thomas Edison did not create the light bulb by trying to prevent darkness, and you cannot create success by trying to prevent failure. You become successful by taking calculated risks, failing, learning from your mistakes and giving it another shot … not by playing it safe.
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career.
I’ve lost almost 300 games.
Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted
to take the game-winning shot and missed.
I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life,
and that is why I succeed.”
The answer is to develop the wisdom to identify perceived threats, and then to create the courage and determination to overcome your fears. While you will probably not succeed at everything you attempt, you will most certainly fail at everything you do not attempt.
Failure is NOT the problem.
“Fear of Failure” is the problem.
The first key to becoming a Love-Base Leader
is to overcome your fears of PERCEIVED threats.
Denial of Fear
While fears of perceived threats must be overcome, fears of real threats must be addressed and dealt with. When you deny fear, and fail to be careful when facing a genuine risk, you place yourself in danger. When you behave without considering what might go wrong, you behave as a child who spontaneously runs into the street after a ball; disaster becomes a possibility.
“If I ever lose my fear completely, I’ll quit climbing.”
My rock-climbing instructor in Canada
When you deny your fears, you eliminate an important source of information when making decisions. You actually place yourself in harm’s way, and set yourself up for fear-based reactions when things do go wrong. Denial represents the greatest danger to “fearless” people.
The macho guy, who does not see the risk of withholding his feelings, puts his fist through a wall when his girlfriend leaves him. The arrogant teenager, who does not appreciate the consequences of shoplifting, is mortified with the thought of phoning her parents after she has been arrested. The self-centered CEO is devastated when imprisoned for “cooking the books” for personal benefit. Many people, who drive as if they are immortal, have ruined other people’s lives and their own self-worth after recklessly hurting or killing someone in a car accident.
While you will probably not be able to successfully predict everything that can go wrong, you will most certainly get clobbered by the disasters you deny or ignore. Effective techniques include “Pre-Marital Counseling”, “Worst-Case Scenario Planning”, and “Defensive Driving”.
Fear is NOT the problem.
“Denial of Fear” is the problem.
The second key to becoming a Love-Base Leader
is to address and deal with REAL threats.
The Four Fear-Based Reactions
We are all looking for happier and more fulfilled lives. Whether our desires are modest or spectacular, we often go to extreme lengths to get what we want. While we are all hoping to get lucky, we inherently know one thing ... our own actions have the primary impact on our success or failure.
Yet somehow, time after time, we self-sabotage. Sometimes we are blind to what we are doing, and of course nothing changes. At other times, even though we are fully aware we are acting in a counter-productive or even a destructive manner, we just cannot stop ourselves. Either way, it is our habitual negative behaviors that can make us each our own worst enemy.
Any such pattern, whether conscious or unconscious, is based upon fear. It could be a fear of getting something we do not want (such as rejection or physical pain), or a fear of losing something we do want (such as a relationship or a job). Either way, our own fear-based reactions are the only true barriers to our personal growth and professional development.
You may know of the “FIGHT or FLIGHT” survival theory, especially if you took a course such as Psychology 101. This concept describes the two fear-based reactions made by animals, or our ancient ancestors, who would attack or retreat when faced with physical threats.
However, these were not the only two fear-based reactions. There is a third form known as the “FREEZE”. Just as a deer freezes when suddenly caught in the headlights of a car, humans have learned to protect themselves by not moving, playing dead, or hiding in a cave.
Most of us like to think of ourselves as modern rational beings. Nonetheless, even though our fear-based reactions are usually more subtle, we still tend to react to threats much as people did ages ago. Basically, we all react with FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE on a daily basis.
Couples argue and workers rant (FIGHT). People leave marriages and people quit jobs (FLIGHT). Spouses shut each other out and employees immerse themselves into busy-work (FREEZE).
Modern rational beings, however, have developed a fourth fear-based reaction that does not fit the three older categories. I call this reactive category the “FACADE” – a false front, a lie. Whether used as an attempt to hurt someone through deception or to protect oneself or another person with a white-lie, a FACADE reaction is a camouflage of the truth.
Additionally, the four fear-based reactions do not require the pre-requisite of actual danger. Simply feeling threatened is enough to trigger them. When reacting from fear, the brain believes whatever you tell it. The brain does not know the difference between what is real and what you believe to be real. Reality and perceptions are equal under the fear-based reaction process.
It is important to note that all fear-based reactions can be appropriate responses to actual threatening circumstances. Unfortunately, they can also become habits that may evolve into automatic patterns, even when there is no real threat. Since habits by definition are “non-think” behaviors, in times of stress they can cause you do something you will come to regret ... often leaving you with considerable personal and professional consequences.
Instead of leaving your life to chance, the key to success is to identify and overcome your fear-based reactions to negative circumstances. Think of this book as your “tool kit” in this quest for self-control.
It is by becoming aware of your obvious fear-based reactions that it will become easier for you to identify your more subtle ones. As you read the following descriptions, try to determine your most common reactive patterns.
All of us have two things in common.
1) We each have a tendency towards two of the four Fear-Based Reactions.
2) We each will occasionally demonstrate the other two.
The FIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
When demonstrating a FIGHT fear-based reaction you give ultimatums, get sarcastic, become vengeful, yell, or even attack someone physically. Whether you are actively seeking to fix something, finish something, or punish someone…you say exactly what you mean. You are, or can appear to be, unconcerned about the needs and feelings of others.
You will hear yourself asking “What?” types of questions:
“What’s your problem?” … “What are you going to do about it?”
When Negatively Consumed With RESULTS,
Your Primary Characteristic Tends to Be JUDGMENTAL.
“I don’t get mad, I get even.”
“If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.”
“The end justifies the means.”
Other FIGHT Characteristics:
Aggressive Manipulative Arrogant Sarcastic Critical Demanding Intimidating Insensitive Offensive Argumentative
The Extreme FIGHT Fear-Based Reaction: PARANOID
“Do I tend to be blunt with criticism and judgment?”
The FLIGHT Fear-Based Reaction
When demonstrating a FLIGHT fear-based reaction you panic, make excuses, rush, motor-mouth, or interrupt others. Whether you are trying to find something for someone, make it to an appointment, or get away from someone … you say the first thing that comes to your mind. You are, or can appear to be, not listening to anyone else.
You will hear yourself asking “Who?” or “When?” types of questions:
“Who do you think you are?”… “Who is going to be there?”
“When is the appointment?”… “When will you finally start listening to me?”
When Negatively Consumed With RELATIONSHIPS,
Your Primary Characteristic Tends to Be FRANTIC.
“I don’t have to take this, I’m out of here.” “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it later.” “I’ve got too much to do and not enough time to do it.”
Other FLIGHT Characteristics:
Distracted Overwhelming Harried Panicked Hyperactive Impulsive Hurried Excitable Pushy Scattered
The Extreme FLIGHT Fear-Based Reaction: HISTRIONIC (Frenzied)
“Do I easily become panicked?”
The FREEZE Fear-Based Reaction
When demonstrating the FREEZE fear-based reaction you become analyzing, isolated, and generally avoid others. Whether you are trying to get something right, figure something out, or avoid a relationship … you do not even speak until you have had the time to collect your thoughts. You are, or can appear to be, disconnected from others.
You will hear yourself internally asking “How” types of questions:
“How can you say that to me?”
“How can I do all of this?”
When Negatively Consumed With TASKS,
Your Primary Characteristic Tends to Be OVERWHELMED.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” “In the time it takes to explain, I can do it myself.” “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Other FREEZE Characteristics:
Anxious Inward Picky Withdrawn Apprehensive
Serious Shameful Tense Isolated Shut-Down
The Extreme FREEZE Fear-Based Reaction: AVOIDANT
“Do I generally avoid confrontation?”
The FACADE Fear-Based Reaction
When demonstrating a FACADE fear-based reaction you strive to make things look better than they really are. Whether you are trying to protect yourself or someone else, you say what you think others can handle, or what you feel they want to hear. You are, or can appear to be, lacking integrity or lying.
You will ask yourself or others “Why?” types of questions:
“Why me?” … “Why can’t we just get along?”
“Nothing’s wrong, why do you ask?”
When Negatively Consumed With FEELINGS & EMOTIONS, Your Primary Characteristic Tends to Be WORRIED.
I say one thing to your face, but I’m thinking something else.
Out loud, “I’m fine. I’m just fine.” Inside, “I’m hurt and angry.” Out loud, “I’ll buy your product.” Inside, “I’ll cancel tomorrow.”
Other FACADE Characteristics:
Intimidated Defensive Phony Subordinate Guarded
Guilty Insecure Inferior Fragile Needy
The Extreme FACADE Fear-Based Reaction: DEPENDENT
“Do I usually feel responsible for other’s feelings?”
EXTREME Fear-Based Reactions
When you develop habitual fear-based reactive patterns, over time you risk exaggerating them. These “Extreme” fear-based reactions can actually resemble psychological disorders.* Is it ever in your best interest to be viewed as such?
FIGHT becomes PARANOID when everything is a threat.
FLIGHT becomes HISTRIONIC when there is always a crisis.
FREEZE becomes AVOIDANT when the solution is to have no relationships. FACADE become DEPENDENT when you always think, “Don’t rock the boat.”
*Abnormal Psychology, Seligman, Walker & Rosenhan, 2000
The FIGHT Reaction can become PARANOID behavior:
When the FIGHT reaction becomes a habit, we not only attack real threats, we eventually begin to attack perceived threats as well. As we become more sensitive to perceived threats, more circumstances trigger this reaction, and paranoia eventually sets in. Woody Allen once said, “It isn’t paranoia if they really are out to get you.” However, if you have ever spent any time with a paranoid person, you know how any little thing can make them lose control.
The FLIGHT Reaction can become HISTRIONIC behavior:
When we were kids, my grandmother used to tell us, “Quit running around like chickens with your heads cut off.” Some people leave jobs or relationships at the first sign of a challenge. Others become chatterboxes and push others away with fidgety, hyperactive behavior. Either way, the results are the same. People who run away from problems are usually running toward new ones. The only thing that changes is how much easier it becomes to trigger the next histrionic episode.
The FREEZE Reaction can become AVOIDANT behavior:
The FREEZE reaction can easily grow into a pattern of avoidance, mostly because of the temporary sense of peace it can bring. However, the long-term costs of shutting down overshadow any short-term gains. Corporations need leaders who are quickly able to address challenging situations, and predict problems rather than avoiding them. All relationships require active involvement. Anyone who ignores small problems only guarantees larger problems later.
The FAÇADE Reaction can become DEPENDENT behavior:
FACADE reactions can develop into outright lies when a person spends considerable time worrying about the feelings and reactions of others. These often take the form of “little” white lies, but they are lies nonetheless. Increasingly, as this behavior becomes one of dependence, self-worth slips away. The only way this person can feel good is when someone else makes them feel good. Unfortunately, when another person is in charge of your happiness, they are also in charge of your unhappiness. Or, as my father used to say, “You give them the whole ball of wax.”
Ask yourself (and be honest),
“Which Extreme Fear-Based Reactions have I ever demonstrated?”
SECONDARY Fear-Based Reactions
While everyone periodically exhibits all four of the fear-based reactions, as creatures of habit, we all tend to use one fear-based reaction more often than the rest. Additionally, we each have one or two “Secondary” fear-based reactions that occur almost as often.
A secondary fear-based reaction usually occurs immediately after the primary fear-based reaction. For example, some people verbally or physically abuse their spouse or lover in a fit of rage (FIGHT), then later apologize and promise, “It will never happen again” (FACADE). In this abuse cycle, the FACADE follows the FIGHT as a secondary fear-based reaction.
My own reaction cycle is just the opposite. FACADE is my primary fear-based reaction. When threatened, I tend to worry about the other person’s feelings more than my own. My behavior is affected accordingly, as I do not want to upset anyone. However, if I am feeling attacked or unappreciated, I can easily move into FIGHT (generally in the form of anger or sarcasm) as my secondary fear-based reaction.
Another common scenario is FACADE followed by FLIGHT. People will say, “Everything is fine,” when everything is really not fine, and then run away as quickly as possible. This is the pattern used when a spouse or lover says, “I love you”, and then leaves the relationship shortly thereafter. This is also the pattern used when a customer places an order when face-to-face with the salesperson, but calls to cancel the next day.