Chapter 18: Acceptance

Acceptance is a major part of my solid foundation in life. This word, acceptance, gave me a starting point to learn how to live with my blindness, my wants and needs, with my feelings, and, come to find out, any other aspect of my life. I do not know if I ever could have reached the point of acceptance without my blindness.

Both words are much more powerful than I am. I did not plan either one of them, but God allowed both words to apply to my life at different times. There is a reason that the first step in the Twelve Steps is the first one.

I was definitely at that point, as I had actually lost control of my life with the tragedies that took me down. I had no one to blame but myself, as I now needed to take responsibility for my actions.

Our mom and dad were my foundation growing up. My mother was a beautiful woman, and my dad was a man of integrity, with both giving unconditional love and acceptance to all of us. However, quality time with them was scarce, as they were so committed to providing for us, both working as much as they did. Therefore, there was little time for one-on-one interaction with them.

I felt insecure most of the time, and many times I felt like I was free-falling. I am so very grateful to God for our parents, who were so loving, honest, hardworking, and integral. Also, for all of my brothers who loved me, and my sisters who helped save me through my younger years. However, at age fourteen, alcohol took over in me, and my life took a drastic change, and not a good one.

After the tragic disasters in my life, even my dysfunctional lifestyle was broken. I was hurting, and so was everyone else who knew me, as they watched my life nearly come to a tragic end. My life had a permanent change, with a total and ultimate humility inside me.

As I entered the AA program, I was introduced to the “Serenity Prayer,” which reads as follows:

Here was a surrender for me, with a new concept. The only thing serenity meant to me was peace, and I was not used to that, especially in my chaotic way of living. I have often pondered the thought, “What does everyone really want?” and “What do we all really need?” I think the answer is peace.

I am almost seventy years old now, and I cannot remember a time in this world when there was not some sort of conflict in the world and/or our personal lives, with the people I knew anyway.

We cannot get peace from the news, as most of the time it is deeply disturbing.

Another kind of addiction that I realized in my time in recovery is being “addicted to chaos.” I learned that this could happen to anyone. I observed this happening in our family and other families’ lives when negative things happened that affected us unintentionally. Thus, we begin to accept unacceptable behaviors. Therefore, if this happens often enough, we begin to believe that this way of life is normal. We begin to excuse people for their behaviors because that is just who they are.

I remember it as a child, especially when Kenny smashed up another car, or he had to be “bailed out” of jail, or went to another alcohol rehab. As a child, I would think and hope, “Maybe this time will be different. Maybe Kenny will be alright tomorrow,” and that all of these troubles we were having in our family would finally stop. Nevertheless, in this case, that day never came.

Though Kenny had the disease of alcoholism, he never did change enough to have solid sobriety, and he died, in my opinion, from the effects of the disease. Even before I stopped drinking, I separated myself from Kenny, as I did not want to replicate his numerous tragedies. At the time, I did not realize that I was living in my own “little world of chaos” that almost took my life.

In recovery, I made a conscious decision that, at times, it is OK to be bored. There does not need to be constant chaos in my life at all times simply because that is what was familiar to me. I realized that the “addicted to chaos” lifestyle was still trying to guide me at times, and I did not like that anymore.

In recovery, I observed other members working their program and using the principles in their lives, and I was watching their lives improve and get better. I then decided to try to apply these principles in my personal life, and I discovered profound, life-changing effects that bettered my life. This also affected the relationships of the people around me. The more I applied them to my daily living, the more I found them working. This is where acceptance came into view when I first heard the following reading.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

Until I could accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

- Alcoholics’ Anonymous, page. 417

I thank God for this reading, to give me the starting point that I needed, to come to the point of surrender.

I also needed this surrender, before I could reach the point of true acceptance, to realize where I was now in my life, and to start my recovery, with a “basic foundation”, with God.

My wife and I have two plaques hanging on our walls, to remind us of one of our slogans. One says, “Keep it simple”, and the other says, “Simplicity”.

Even though I cannot see them physically, I know that they are there on the wall. I can see them in my mind. I love these, as they describe to me, to slow down the thoughts and fears that can rattle my perception, of what might happen, to compare to a state of what is really going on right now.

This helps me, stay in the moment, and with any given situation, gives me the ability to say, “What can I do about it, right this minute”. Then, to be open to more structured guidance with healthy fellowship with other like-minded people under God’s guidance.

With my life leaving the “self-centered bondage”, of my active alcoholism, in recovery, the love I have inside, and my care for others, had blossomed into a whole new world.

Now, of course, I just want the best for everyone, and I want to give them everything that I have gained, by sharing my, “Experience, strength and hope” with them all.

Now there was another lesson I needed to learn with acceptance. Here is a passage from the acceptance pamphlet that describes what I learned, the hard way.

I cost myself a lot of unnecessary grief by trying to be unselfish. To think of everybody else first, myself last, and to try to please everybody.

But you can't please everybody.

You can knock yourself out doing this, and that, and the other thing to please your cousins, and your sisters, and your aunts. And you find out that they are not really affected one way or the other.

Please everybody? Nobody's pleased. Please yourself? At least you're pleased!

From the pamphlet, Acceptance.

Another word that I would like to present is commitment.

I attended a seminar years ago, that was very enlightening to me. It pointed out, the “Love and fear”, concepts in our lives, and how we react to them.

I liked it very much, and it gave me a clearer view of how to come from love, and not necessarily from fear, in any given situation.

Then the instructor placed a phrase on the chalkboard, for us to see. Even though I could not see it, I will never forget it.

“The quality of my life is directly proportional to the commitments that I make and keep”

Jim Quinn

This is kind of a neutral statement, just reading it, but I thought about how I could apply this to my life.

The phrase started to be more attractive to me, as time went on. I could have gone on, with my dis-functional life, drinking, and not caring about anything, which was an indirect commitment, or as I came to believe in a power, greater than myself, God, I could commit to him fully, in my state of surrender.

As I believed in God, more and more, I was seeking his guidance and lifesaving principals.

I then found myself giving thanks to God, for saving me, for bringing me to this point, even with blindness, and even using it, to help others. This is where the word “gratitude”, came into effect.

I now knew that I was indeed grateful to God for saving me, and all that he had done in my life. Therefore, this freed me up to place God first, with his direction. To commit to him, as best as I can, to let him provide the open doors to walk through, without the chaos, that I was used to.

This also helps me in my life with others, as I learned the difference between, “Self-centered”, and “Self-caring”.

I did not know that, helping myself was also helping them, in the framework of each other’s love.

I needed to be responsible for myself, morally, honestly, and physically, as much as possible. I could now, make a commitment to myself, to seek God’s guidance, striving only to be dependent on him.

In addition, to interact with my loved ones, family and friends, that he has blessed me with, in a healthier way.

What a difference! What a wonderful world of joy.

For I found out the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness could be something as simple as my favorite, blue goo ice cream.

However, Joy is a result of living my life, under the guidance of God, with his blessings.